All My Single Ladies

As one of the few people I know who is not currently married, engaged, living in sin [haha jk I don't give a f*ck], or in a long term, steady relationship, I find this article speaks to my soul! My core group of friends doesn’t exactly fit this mold, but in general, I really do believe that our generation is staying single longer. I am in no way hatin’ on the married folks. Of course I want to get married, too! But right now, I’m not married, nor will I be in the immediate, foreseeable future. And guess what, I’m not weeping about it. I feel like some people live their life in search of their soulmate – they just CANNOT WAIT to be married. I can’t say I’ve ever felt that way…. I am very happy with how my life is playing out right now [would it be awesome to share that with someone? yes.] I got my own things goin’ on & I own my own shit [would I be ok with letting someone else in on that? yes.] I don’t let “being single” define me. And THANK GOD most of my friends don’t let “being married” define them. We’re all just doing our own thing. And it works. BUT, for those “people” out there who ask us WHY are you still single, as if we have something against the institute of marriage, I would like to share with you “71 Seasons Why We’re All F*ucking Single”.

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…… We’re worried about shattered iPhones more than ruined relationships. We don’t need to go out to movies when we have Netflix. We don’t need anyone because we’re perfectly content with ourselves.So, for all of you surprised with the news, here’s just 71 reasons we’re all f*cking single.

1. Because it’s so much easier to go home with Netflix.

2. Because you’d rather send 140 characters than say three words.

3. Because we’re all just another swipe.

4. Because we can’t talk without alcohol on our breath.

5. Because we have our real face and then our Facebook.

6. Because there’s always somebody better looking on Instagram.

7. Because nude photos.

8. Because you’d rather not find out three dates and $500 later that they actually suck.

9. Because careers are more important right now.

10. Because you can’t commit to finishing a book, let alone finishing someone else’s love story.

11. Because your Seamless account doesn’t talk back.

12. Because we love our selfies more than anyone else.

13. Because you’d rather go out with your friends Friday night.

14. Because we’d have to make it Facebook official.

15. Because we’ll never be Jay and Bey.

16. Because we don’t want to admit our parents were right.

17. Because you don’t want to date someone who’s not gonna be your last.

18. Because GAMES.

19. Because he’ll never look like Tom Brady.

20. Because she’ll never look like Gisele.

21. Because you don’t want anyone to know how much “Game of Thrones” you actually watch.

22. Because we’re holding out for something better.

23. Because you like your bed the way it is… with just you in it.

24. Because filters.

25. Because no one’s taking you to brunch.

26. Because dates are a 2 am text.

27. Because it’s easy to hide behind a screen.

28. Because you don’t even know who you are.

29. Because you don’t have a job.

30. Because the only self-analysis you’ve ever done is your “about me” section on your OK Cupid profile.

31. Because dinner is awkward.

32. Because you won’t put your cell phone down.

33. Because you don’t like to compromise.

34. Because casual sex.

35. Because your pride.

36. Because there’s no reason to commit to one when we can have them all.

37. Because Snapchats have replaced real chats.

38. Because our sex will never be like “50 Shades of Grey.”

39. Because sweatpants.

40. Because we don’t feel like shaving.

41. Because shower sex doesn’t actually work.

42. Because our exes won’t stop contacting us… on some sort of social media.

43. Because there’s never just one.

44. Because no one likes to watch the same TV shows as you.

45. Because we drink too much.

46. Because we value our alone time.

47. Because we don’t like to be bothered with other problems.

48. Because a lot of people are crazy.

49. Because you’ll never love anyone else as much as you love yourself.

50. Because ordering for two on Seamless is more than our weekly budget allows.

51. Because we’ve been hurt before.

52. Because splitting the check is awkward.

53. Because we’re living at home.

54. Because the thought of “getting to know someone” means asking and answering questions — and ain’t nobody got time for that.

55. Because it’s harder to get into the club as a couple.

56. Because we know it’s just going to end.

57. Because marriage makes us want to throw up.

58. Because we’re no longer scared of being alone.

59. Because there is always something about them you don’t like.

60. Because no one is worth introducing to mom.

61. Because it’ll happen someday.

62. Because you don’t want to subject anyone to your family’s version of Thanksgiving.

63. Because you have you. (And most days, even that’s too much to handle.)

64. Because porn.

65. Because there’s always a new “Grand Theft Auto.”

66. Because no one wants to use a condom.

67. Because no one knows what they want.

68. Because timing is never right.

69. Because it’s easier to just stop texting.

70. Because sitting on the couch without pants on watching reruns of “Bob’s Burgers” is a little awkward once you throw someone else into the mix.

71. Because we have our whole lives to be committed.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It

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Some accurate, some hilarious, some SO TRUE, and some are way off base. But whichever ones you relate to, run with it. It’s OK to be single at 27, I promise!

#SBC A Day In The Life // #ImABasicBitch

#17 A Day In The Life

Newsflash [or maybe not so newsflashy] I’m a basic bitch. The interwebs call us “basic”, “normal”, “boring”. Guess what, THAT’S TRUE. I am a completely normal, sometimes boring, 27 year old who LOVES Pumpkin Spice Lattes, The Food Network, and Vodka Sodas [to watch my weight]. I am the typical Basic Bitch. So, you want to see A Day In The Life of this Basic Bitch, prepare to be unamazed.

I wake up in the morning feelin’ like P. Diddy [no I don't, I just wanted to quote a Ke$ha song, how Basic of me]. My morning routine is pretty simple, if I do say so myself. First things first, have to let the dog out. A 7 month old golden retriever, who is the love of my life, typical.

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Then, while the pup eats breakfast, I go for a morning run [but only when the weather is just right - 67 to 72 degrees and not too humid]. If it’s not ideal running conditions, I sit around in my yoga pants browsing social media. Eventually I decide to get ready for work, throw on a Polo [the brand, because, Basic] or a Lilly dress, whatever strikes my fancy for the day. After taking time to get gussied up for the people at work I am in no way trying to impress, I pack my lunch in my quilted Vera Bradley lunchbox. Usually something homemade & healthy that I prepared on Sunday during my Meal Prep Marathon [recipes courtesy of Giada De Laurentiis, Bobby Flay, and Rachel Ray]. Then it’s time to pack up and head to work. I throw everything I need in my Long Champ Large Le Pliage Tote, grab my lunchbox & Tervis of water, and put on my Ray Bans. And even though I have a perfectly good coffee maker at home, I’m going to leave plenty of time to hit up Starbucks before going to work [The Basic Bitch loves Starbucks. She loves it so much that she knows the baristas by name, and they know her].

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When I arrive at the office, I take a lap and catch up on small talk, before consulting my Lilly or Kate Spade planner to see what’s on the agenda for the day. Probably a webinar of some sort on Content Marking or Social Media, maybe a Lunch & Learn? Regardless, I just know it’s going to be a GREAT [typical] day. After work, if the running conditions weren’t perfect in the morning, I’ll go to the gym for a group fitness class; pilates, yoga, body pump – it depends on the day. [When a Basic Bitch is getting in shape, she uses hastags like #fitspo. She used to use #thinspiration, but she realized "it's more beautiful to be healthy than skinny]. I’ll stop to casually make conversation with my personal trainer, because he’s hot that’s what you do at the gym. Then I’ll head home for a super exciting [boring] evening.

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This Basic Bitch loves a chocolate meal shake after a hard night’s workout. And while I sip this in my backyard, lounging in my adirondack chair, I’ll throw a tennis ball for the pup so he can get out some of his energy. Maybe even a nice walk through the neighborhoods, and down to the river? Once I’m in for the night, it’s time to shower & put back on the yoga pants & an old sorority recruitment t-shirt. These are my “house” yoga pants, nothing I would actually wear to yoga. The rest of the evening is pretty simple, catch up on my shows [Project Runway, Greys, Scandal, that normal stuff] or binge watch old episodes of The Hills on Netflix [Every Basic Bitch loved The Hills. She loves Lauren Conrad]. On the rare occasion that I “get out” for a couple hours in the evening, it’s usually to go to Sweet Frog [A Basic Bitch's go-to desserts are frozen yogurt and cupcakes]. And on occasion, I’ll get together with friends for a light happy hour. Nothing too crazy though, because it’s a work night [When the Basic Bitch gets drunk, she becomes a woo girl]. I love these little random catch up sessions with my friends, to gossip, talk about our girl crushes, gab about what happened last night on The Biggest Loser, and discuss home decorating.

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This is the BASIC life of this 27 year old. I’m ok with it. I’m ok with being “boring” most of the time. I have a sense of humor about it. I have a routine, I rarely stray, and I like it that way. But in an attempt to not become TOO Basic, I try to spice things up every now and then. [A Basic Bitch's favorite flower is a rose] I prefer Hydrangea. [Her sense of humor is almost nonexistent. Jokes about suicide, rape, bullying -- "It's never funny, you guys"]. The more inappropriate, the better! [She's not entirely sure who Nelson Mandela is. Or whether he's still alive] I take offense to that statement. [She owns a cowboy hat, cowboy hats, or at the very least listens to Taylor Swift]. Nope, Nope, and GAG ME! [When you go out to eat, the Basic Bitch will have the chicken. She'll always have the chicken]. Actually, I’d prefer steak. [Her celebrity crush is a three-way tie between Ashton Kutcher, Tom Brady, and Channing Tatum]. Only one of these is accuarte.

I’m on a mission to make the Basic Bitch less of a bad thing and more of a thing to embrace. So all you Basic Bitches out there, stop hiding your Basicness. Flaunt that Breakfast at Tiffany’s poster you have hiding in your bedroom, order your venti non-fat, no whip, extra shot, Pumpkin Spice latte without fear of judgement, and Bitch, WORK!

Sunday Brunch

I think Sunday may be my favorite day of the week. Yeah, it’s the last day of the weekend. And yeah, that can be pretty depressing. But Sunday’s are MY day to get stuff done. I grocery shop on Sunday. I clean on Sunday. I meal prep for the week on Sunday. And now that football is back, I’ve always got something to watch. I feel great after a super productive Sunday. And if I play my cards right, I can be DONE before 1pm, and then literally all that’s left to do is watch football & relax.

Since I am incapable of sleeping in, I’m up at the crack of dawn getting stuff done. I like to get my caffeine early, and then go go go until everything is finished. Have you ever been to the grocery store on a Sunday morning [before 8am]? It’s wonderful! It’s peaceful. Just me, Ethel, and Dorothy, roamin’ the aisles of Martin’s. In and out in 20 minutes flat! And when I come home with all my delicious [and healthy] goodies for the week, I’ve got to make some room for them. Which brings me to my “Clean out the Fridge” Sunday Brunch.

This week, I had 2 small red potatoes, 3/4 of a yellow pepper, 6-7 asparagus stalks, and 1/2 a sweet onion. I figured these would make an awesome Hash. So I diced everything up nice and small and threw it all in a pan with some coconut oil.

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The potatoes and onions cooked a bit longer so they could soften up, and then I threw in the pepper and asparagus.

Sunday Brunch (3)Now, protein… This hash, although delicious, was not going to fill me up. I only had a couple tablespoons of egg whites left, so I threw a regular egg in there with it. That takes care of that! I also had some strawberries that were on the verge of going bad. So I threw them in the blender with some other random frozen fruit mix and made myself a little smoothie. And because I’m a carboholic, I finished up my pack of whole wheat english muffins, and topped it with Peanut Butter & Co. Mighty Maple!

Sunday Brunch (1)This is the Sunday Brunch of champions, folks!!

#SBC Guilty Pleasure

#13 Top Guilty Pleasures (better late than never)

Since there’s no number associated with these “Top Guilty Pleasures”, I thought I’d go with my top 4 – in no particular order!!!

- My two main men, Ben & Jerry: These delicious devils make me drool with their incredible ice cream concoctions!!!

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- The Blue Box: I’m a child at heart. And although [almost] nothing beats mom’s homemade mac n cheese, I would pick Kraft in an instant [ and then proceed to eat the entire box ].

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- Christmas in a Cup: I know it’s “Pumpkin Season”, and as much as I LOVE some Pumpkin, I can’t help but crave a Chai Latte. It’s warm, and delicious, and legitimately taste like Christmas in a cup! But there’s probably enough sugar in one to bake 3 dozen cupcakes.

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- Creme Brûlée: This sweet, SWEET custardy dessert with brûléed crunch sugar on top is my ultimate guilty pleasure!! If it’s on the menu, I’m going to order it. I think I probably had it 3-4 times on vacation, and it was amazing every single time. It’s one of those things that you dream about [yeah, sometime I dream about dessert] and any chance you get to have it is just delectable. You can make it in almost any flavor, but the crunchy sugar on top is what really makes it divine!

EA0914_creme-brulee_s4x3So yeah, all of my guilty pleasures are food. #fatgirlproblems #sorrynotsorry

 

#SBC “Stay low, don’t be a hero”

#12 My Favorite Quotes

I could probably spend hours compiling my favorite quotes & hilarious tidbits of “life advice”. But I’ve narrowed it down to a few several of my faves!

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I need to remind myself of this more often

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JayMay <3

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Words to live by

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I’ve got a couple

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My best friends!

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Amen